I love it when some of you e-mail me or tell me in person how my blog makes you laugh. I love being able to share our quirky stories to bring some joy to your day on occasion. This post, however, is not fun and games. Its not bad, just a bit more serious. These last two days have been really weird for me. I have just felt a rustling in my spirit; a knowing that I needed to hear Something from Someone. I just wasn't quite getting the signal, I guess. I have been burdened since the death of our student three weeks ago. I hesitate to write any of this in great detail because I do not know which of our students read my blog. I never want to say anything that could be misleading or hurtful, so I will tread lightly and pray that those of you who are believers in Jesus Christ can read between the lines. After Felysha's death, I have been ever more aware of Christ's depiction in me. Do they see something different, really different, when they walk into my office? Am I, as the Avalon songs says, a dirty window for Christ's love to shine through? Is there any part of my life that would lead a student to know the saving power of Jesus? I am bound by laws that close my mouth in the halls of FHS...but, does my life speak where my lips cannot? Am I more interested in my students' register consistency (common voice issue) than there eternal salvation? May it not be.
So, in this thought process, I have just been seeking wisdom from the Holy Spirit, asking Him to reveal the areas of my life that must be changed in order to truly minister to those around me, especially my students whom I love so dearly. As I have wrestled with these things over the last few weeks, satan has been quick to attack. I have been anxious, scattered, and mostly...fearful. I have begged that God would show me the opportunities He orders in my day to minister to my students. But in these last days, I have been so incredibly fearful that God's name may be glorified in great loss...my great loss. In fact, last night, I was close to petrified of great loss in my life. What would people see if I had to walk down the road of losing my precious husband or my beloved child? Is that the most transparent way to show the Prince of Peace to an unbelieving world? I have been frozen in apprehension, beseeching God that He would allow other ways for me to show Himself to my world.
Last night, I somehow ending up on Bring the Rain, a blog that I don't even know how I got to! Goodness knows that I can blog-stalk with the best of them, but something was different when I went here. Know this...I sat for hours last night and into this morning reading this woman's heart. I cried. I worshipped. I sought out my God in my breakfast-bar stained recliner...and He delivered, just as He always does. Tonight at Bible Study, I had the privilege of sitting with a woman who lost her husband suddenly around 18 months ago. (That date is a 'to the best of my recollection' moment. Don't quote me on the time frame!) I listened intently as she shared her story, shared her encouragements to us. Here is what I know...my God is sovereign. He is in control, no matter how much this world reeks of chaos. He is my Comforter. My Provider. My Strength. My Refuge. My Peace. My Joy. He is all of these things and so much more. Am I still dealing with some crazy thoughts and fears? Yep. But, tonight, I have a renewed since of calm. My God is in the heavens, on His throne. I encourage you to check out the blog. She has an incredible gift with words and has quite a story to tell.
So, in this thought process, I have just been seeking wisdom from the Holy Spirit, asking Him to reveal the areas of my life that must be changed in order to truly minister to those around me, especially my students whom I love so dearly. As I have wrestled with these things over the last few weeks, satan has been quick to attack. I have been anxious, scattered, and mostly...fearful. I have begged that God would show me the opportunities He orders in my day to minister to my students. But in these last days, I have been so incredibly fearful that God's name may be glorified in great loss...my great loss. In fact, last night, I was close to petrified of great loss in my life. What would people see if I had to walk down the road of losing my precious husband or my beloved child? Is that the most transparent way to show the Prince of Peace to an unbelieving world? I have been frozen in apprehension, beseeching God that He would allow other ways for me to show Himself to my world.
Last night, I somehow ending up on Bring the Rain, a blog that I don't even know how I got to! Goodness knows that I can blog-stalk with the best of them, but something was different when I went here. Know this...I sat for hours last night and into this morning reading this woman's heart. I cried. I worshipped. I sought out my God in my breakfast-bar stained recliner...and He delivered, just as He always does. Tonight at Bible Study, I had the privilege of sitting with a woman who lost her husband suddenly around 18 months ago. (That date is a 'to the best of my recollection' moment. Don't quote me on the time frame!) I listened intently as she shared her story, shared her encouragements to us. Here is what I know...my God is sovereign. He is in control, no matter how much this world reeks of chaos. He is my Comforter. My Provider. My Strength. My Refuge. My Peace. My Joy. He is all of these things and so much more. Am I still dealing with some crazy thoughts and fears? Yep. But, tonight, I have a renewed since of calm. My God is in the heavens, on His throne. I encourage you to check out the blog. She has an incredible gift with words and has quite a story to tell.
If you even came close to making it to the end of this...bravo. Next time, I promise to post something funny...
2 comments:
I love you Carla.
And the thing I love the most about you is your heart.
Thank you very much for your uplifting blog! I personally needed that this week. Laughter isn't always what people need, although I DO look forward to your next posting.
Keep your head up, even when you're praying.....that way you're looking UP to Him! ;o)
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